The death that changed everything for me was not that of a friend or family member. It was the death of someone I never knew. Someone that no one ever knew, really. A patient on the maternity unit where I worked had delivered a stillborn son. A fetal demise patient, we called her. Each time we have one it is a little different experience, as everyone copes with tragedy in a different way. And this woman was very different from any that I had ever taken care of before.
She was very quiet most of the evening, her attentive husband by her side. She would do the things required, complying with my requests to help her get up, get cleaned up and change her gown. She was from India and her long dark hair hung down her back in a single braid. Her face looked sad, but she did not express her grief and did not wish to converse with me about her feelings, even though I tried. She sat through the evening hours holding the still form of her tiny son, wrapped in his blanket, looking much like any other mother, except her child’s body was stiff and cold. It wasn’t until the end of the shift that things changed. When it was time to send this lifeless bundle to the morgue and this seemingly calm and composed woman fell apart.
I attempted to take the baby from her, but she was unable to physically part with him. Her husband tried to gently and lovingly lift him from her arms, but she held fast as if a part of her was being torn away. When the baby finally made it in the bassinette to be wheeled away, she jumped out of bed and draped herself over the crib, crying the most heart wrenching sobs I have ever heard. They seemed to come from deep within her very soul. Her eyes overflowed with the tears of her pain. They held a look beyond description, but that will be forever etched within my heart. This child, her son was not to be among the living, never to breathe upon this earth. All her hopes and dreams for him and his future were vanishing. She stood broken and defeated, her whole being crying out in distress.
How could this be, I wondered? What was the purpose of this lost life? Why did this happen and why did it seem so unfair? These questions haunted me as I saw the anguish on this woman’s face and heard her torment in my mind for days and weeks afterward- and still do even to this day. Her story has become a part of my life story, searching for the answers that may never come.
Prompt- death changes everything, 7/21/07
4 comments:
This posting takes a lot of courage. Thanks for going there and thanks for sharing.
This story was difficult. But because it is important to me, it helps in some way to be able to share it.
This is a very powerful story, Cindy. I really like it, thank you for sharing.
Wonderful piece, Cindy. It's really beautiful.
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